The Dark Place

by Caleb Grabowski on March 21, 2014

I don’t really care if anyone reads this. I’ve come to the point where I don’t want to write about interesting topics or cute anecdotes. I’m just going to use this blog as some sort of cathartic outlet for the things that have been bothering me lately. In the future, who knows, maybe I’ll work through these issues and find a voice that has something to talk about. But for now, I’m just going to talk about my dark place. It started as a running joke between a former co-worker and myself regarding my inclination to take simple jokes or stories and bring them to an incredibly dark place. I don’t really have an exact example right now, but the joke was that he would look at me and say, “I don’t know how to react when you take it to that dark place.” The dark place became a running joke or musing between the two of us that spread to others in our social circle.

For the better part of a year now, I’ve been living in that dark place. I’ve had a humbling, difficult journey these past twelve months. I lost my job, and made the decision to leave a career field that was paying me quite well, for the simple reason “Fuck them. I’m tired of the bureaucracy. Tired of the bullshit. I’m pissed that I didn’t get to leave on my own terms, but whatever, I’m out. Fuck them.” That’s typically what I tell people, and I feel like I’ve said that enough that even I believe it. So, I left that community, and began the process of finding my next place in life. I’m now going back to school to finish my bachelor’s degree, while waiting to hear about whether or not I’ll be going to the police academy in the fall. Honestly, I don’t feel like either of these choices will be right for me, but fuck it. I’m running out of options and both of those are reasonable.

The dark place isn’t the indecision of my future career path, or the untimely exit from my previous job. The dark place has existed before then, maybe going back to my divorce. I don’t know exactly when it arrived, but I’ve gotten used to it, and honestly, I’m beginning to revel in it. Unfortunately, more bad things have happened than good, so that almost necessitates the continued presence of the dark place. Certain relationships in my life are becoming strained, I don’t know if that’s all in my head, or if I’m really pushing people away as successfully as I think I am. Either way, it’s beginning to get more difficult to care. The biggest blow lately has been the passing of my cat, Professor Scrabbles. She was one of the only through-lines from my married/separated life to my current state. She had been there with me through it all. And I had to watch her die at the foot of my bed. I had to wrap her in a towel and place her in a cardboard box. Now I have to see her urn on my bookcase every day. It’s tough. Everyone seems to think it will get easier and that I should just get another cat. Because fuck me right? It’s just a cat. Whatever. Like I said, I’m in my dark place. Hopefully, that last little bit made you sad. Because it fucking destroys me.

–          Caleb

Movie of the Week: First Blood (1982) A movie spoiled by its own success. This movie stands alone and doesn’t need the bullshit sequels that follow it. Also, be sure to watch the alternate ending where John Rambo commits suicide. Much darker tonally, and hell it would have saved us from the aforementioned bullshit sequels.

Favorite Songs of the Week:

–          Eels – “Souljacker – Part One”

–          Metric – “Empty”

–          Boxcar Racer – “I Feel So”

willy billy March 29, 2014 at 5:38 pm

I left this blog for last as I felt perhaps it would be a grand finale to a nice moment of reading while deucing (yup taking a dump). Though I was not disappointed by the grandness of the blog, I found myself disappointed with the idea that you are my best friend and I didn’t know you were feeling so low. We don’t see each other often so that can be an excuse but man I’m a sad panda now. ::hugs::

Caleb Grabowski April 1, 2014 at 1:12 pm

Good! The whole point of the blog was to make people sad. Just kidding, not the point, but I understood that it would happen. You don’t need to worry about me Willy Billy … I’ll see you this weekend and we can hug it out! Also, glad to hear that I can entertain you whilst you make ploppies 🙂

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