Return to the Dark Place

by Caleb Grabowski on April 11, 2014

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – Dread Pirate Roberts

Last week I took a trip down memory lane and tracked the evolution of my personal life goals as they related to my “dream job.” There was a fleeting cynical thought I had after I wrote it. It doesn’t really matter what we plan to be or what we want to be when grow up, we’re just going to end up alone wishing our lives were like they once were. This seems to be the tragedy of being human, we chase the future and its endless possibilities, but as we attain any number of those options, we long for the simpler times we once had. I know that it’s not just my generation that feels this way either, recently I had a conversation with my mom and asked, “Can I stop being an adult now?” Ironically enough she said yes, so I told her that she could stop being an adult too. It’s sad. When we’re kids, we look forward to this responsibility, to being treated like adults, and yet, when that time comes, and that responsibility bears down on us, we just take it. We smile and grin. We bear the weight that we think we need to, because we’re adults, and that’s how we’re supposed to be behave. Don’t get me wrong, there are massive perks to adulthood, mainly being able to legally buy booze. But beyond that, mortgage payments, car insurance, credit card debt, pregnancy scares, actual pregnancy, the loss of loved ones, even something as simple as doing the dishes can be too much sometimes. I didn’t intend for this to become some sort of existential rant, but alas that’s what it has become.

If you’re reading this and you’ve yet to hit that wall of adulthood and bullshit. Don’t worry, I’m sure you will soon enough. One day, you’re going to wake up, and the first thought that crosses your mind is simply going to be, “Fuck…This again.” It’s not a depression, it’s more of a realization that your life isn’t what you want it to be, and the amount of work required to get it there, is not worth it. And if you never reach that moment when you realize that your life will only amount to background noise in the grand scheme of existence, good for you. Seriously. I’m happy that your life is exactly what you want it to be, you are truly, for the lack of a better word, blessed. Billions of people live on this planet, and hardly any of us make any sort of great impact on the whole of humanity. But if you think, even for a second, that your life is more important than anyone else’s simply because you’re “happy,” or because of your kids, or because of your job, or your status, or your misaligned sense of validation because of what family you were born into, well in the most direct and sarcastic tone I can think of, good for you, now go fuck yourself.

Movie of the week: Triangle (2009) is interesting take on the mind-fuck horror/thriller genre. Without spoiling too much, it’s basically The Shining on a boat with a little bit of The Prestige and Groundhog Day mixed around in it. There’s even a cute nod to The Shining with room 237.

Favorite Songs of the Week:

The Kooks – “Sway”

Fallout Boy – “I Don’t Care”

Howie Day – “Help!”


Will Dutcher April 11, 2014 at 4:44 pm

“Actual pregnancy”!?

Caleb Grabowski April 18, 2014 at 10:22 am

They weren’t all about me, I was going for generalizability Billy 2

willy billy April 18, 2014 at 9:33 am

I never feel like I’m a “proper” adult. In the mirror I see someone who looks so much younger than those up to seven years younger than me. I believe it is mostly my being a short and much too skinny boy-man. But also I am a full time student at 31 years old so I am a bit behind. Lastly, along with that tag of 31 years old, I have nothing of financial worth. No retirement money, no house, no fancy art. Just an incredible amount of student loan debt and a bright yellow banana car that costs me $1000 a year to fix and is worth $600 to car dealers. Pass the miralax I want to make a huge deposit. Now, my philosophy on life and my common lack of emotions make me feel much older than I am. I guess that is something…

Caleb Grabowski April 18, 2014 at 10:25 am

I know those feels Billy 1. Although, I don’t see myself as younger than my early 20s peers. But then again I am blessed with the gingerbeard. When I shave I still look old, but sadder, like I’m trying to look young despite my age. It’s weird. I’ve tried to distance myself from benchmarks of financial progress, although I have a mortgage, part of me still wishes to be untethered to anything. It makes running away that much harder to do. Not that I would run away, just saying’, anchors and mortgages do a good job holding you steady and pulling you down.

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